It's been almost two years since my last blog about being the everyday mom of Ellie.
A lot has happened. A lot has changed in my 365-day journey around the sun when it comes to motherhood, career woman, law student, and wife-partner.
I feel such a FAILURE.
At the time of writing this blog, I am still in the interim between 3rd year and 4th year law, taking up courses that I failed along the way - specifically Insurance Law and Taxation Law 2. I also failed in Public International Law and the Conflicts of Law courses. All in all, as of counting, I failed in four subjects. And believe me when I say, there has never been a time in my life that all negative thoughts dawned upon me questioning every decision I made that led me to fail my subjects in law school.
So, at the start of the off sem or summer, I wallowed on my wounds from the battles I lost during the previous semesters and second guessed myself, my abilities, my intellect, my dream, my destiny to become a lawyer all because I failed 4 subjects in law school enroute to 4th year. Somehow, I already knew or perhaps already had that inkling feeling that I will not come out from law school unscathed.
I feel so LOST.
Despite the feelings and thoughts of doubts, uncertainty, second-guessing, I enrolled in the 2 courses that I failed so I can keep up with my backlogs in my courses or else I will not be able to graduate together with my batch. Well, to be honest, it does not really matter whether I graduate with them or not, I just want to get out of this hell hole and finish this walk in this Jurassic park called Law School.
Right now, I feel so lost as ever. Assessing my study habits, schedules, what helped, what did not help, what distracted me, and all other factors that affected my performance in those failed subjects.
I honestly just want to isolate myself and keep burrowing on the books that I did not finish reading.
I feel the BURN OUT.
There was a point in time when I felt so empty, exhausted, and burned out that I surrendered everything to chance. I could not digest any more phrase, concept or law that I need to master in order for me to pass the course. I reached the point when I felt so numb that I only did what I could do and still be at peace with whatever outcome. I was actually okay even with the thought of failing because at that point, I do not care anymore. That's already exhaustion manifested.
I feel the need for REFLECTION.
As I look back to my journey in my third year in law school, I realized I have been so caught up with my daily survival methods that I hardly remember what else I did outside law school and outside work. There was no time for anything else. I even neglected my own family, our house, my motherhood duties, and even my partner all because I am pursuing something greater than myself. Or is it really?
I feel the MOM GUILT.
My child has grown up so fast in front of my eyes but I did not even recognize it because my attention is glued in surviving law and work schedules. It's crazy how I can be present but not be fully present at the same time. I guess this is what law school has turned me - a zombie operating in autopilot mode.
It tears me up inside to want to spend quality time with my child - going for a vacation, girl stuffs at the salon, painting together, or just giggling at bedtime. I lost these opportunities while I'm here and it may never come again because everyday she's becoming more and more independent from me/us. I can only reminisce the pre-law moments when I can hold my baby and play with her when she wants to.
The disadvantage of going to law school when you're already a mom is the divide between spending quality time with your child or spend it reading the books instead. No one told me about the mom guilt when in law school. It's crippling. It's insidious.
I hope and keep praying that my child will understand why I'm doing these things today to give her a better chance at life when I'm no longer around.
I have feelings of HOPE.
This too is passing. There are only three things in life that are constant - change, death and taxes. Everything else in life is temporary. I look forward to the day when I can finally spend undivided time and attention with my family. I will be able to enjoy the vacations without worrying about the exams or the reading backlogs. I will be able to do other passion projects that I have set aside all because Law School is a jealous mistress.
In a couple of weeks from the time of writing this, I will officially enter my 4th year in law school. Another year of grit and grind will hone me to finally launch me towards passing the bar exam, the ultimate dream of every law student. But first, I must come out alive after 14 months of intense focus on studying, reviewing, and isolation from the world.
Perhaps only then, I can finally reclaim my schedules, motherhood, family, friends, and everything important in my life.
My PRAYER
My prayer now is asking God to give me more strength, perseverance, grit, determination, commitment, resilience, focus, discipline, wisdom, knowledge and understanding for me to be able to endure the next critical 14 months from today.
I am nothing without God's help.
In fact, I have reached this far because of God's grace and mercy. He brought me here, and so I believe that He will deliver me through all these challenges.
I pray that my life become a testimony of God's goodness, greatness, generosity, power and presence.
So help me God. Amen.
Ad Semper Meliora! Always toward better things!
Comments
Post a Comment